I understand your concerns, as have many Christians throughout the centuries. Many have already wrestled with the kinds of concerns you’ve raised only to find their faith in the Lord strengthened as a result of testing. I suggest starting with what God says about Himself. He revealed Himself to us through Jesus and the Words of the Gospel. Jesus walked among us, here for us to see. God is not our enemy. He desires to save us all from self-destruction. God says “ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13).
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.